So, am I really just a friend?

Disclaimer: the following article is written from a cis-female heterosexual perspective and is in no way intended to dismiss the experiences of those who identify differently.

By the time you read this post, I will hopefully be one day closer to lounging on an island and living my best life for the next two weeks, or at least on a plane headed there. I will also be one step closer to meeting the unofficial love of my life, R&B artist Mario, at a meet and greet session at his concert in London.

I’ve been besotted with Mario since watching his music video for ‘Let Me Love You’ at thirteen years old. However, his first ever single ‘Just A Friend’ has awkwardly become the theme song for my life that I didn’t ask for. 

Growing up, I was surrounded by male company. I have no siblings, but a number of male cousins and so naturally I became more comfortable around guys. This later translated into having many close guy friends in school and beyond. 

I wouldn’t say that I was ever a tomboy, but as a teenager I simply found boys less complicated to hang out with - they rarely gossiped about each other, got out of squabbles as quickly as they got into them, and I never felt like I was competing with them. 

Girls didn’t like it, of course. Whenever they liked a boy in class or was dating someone, I would be the one their significant others would confide in when there was trouble in paradise. Why they considered me a relationship guru given my non-existent track-record in this area, I will never know. Maybe I was just easy to talk to. 

The problem was that what started off as a compliment ended up becoming a form of resentment. Like, why was I always ‘the friend’? Why couldn’t one of these guys see me as something more? I didn’t just want to be the girl that everyone turned to for emotional support and encouragement, right before they fell in love with someone else. 

Now, I don’t want to be the girl who always blames the culture but I think it should take some responsibility here. The truth is love and romance are often elevated over friendship. If you’re a friend, then you’re simply just a friend, second-tier, a consolation prize. No one writes love songs about the greatest friendships of their lives, and if someone has a close friend of the opposite sex then it’s often viewed as suspicious; one of them must have feelings for the other, surely? The same rhetoric can go for friends of the same sex too, especially men, as the term ‘bromance’ suggests. 

Consequently, to me being a friend implied that I wasn’t quite enough to be promoted to potential girlfriend status. There was something missing and until I could figure it out, I would forever live in the friend zone. 

However, today I would like to redeem the friend zone. We need more friends! And not just any friends, but friends who intentionally support, encourage, inspire, challenge, and uplift you on a regular basis. And yes, some of these friendships should include platonic ones with the opposite sex. 

First of all, we take for granted how beautiful it can be to have friends who simply love and care for you without sex or romance on the agenda. We can be so quick to dismiss someone as soon as they don’t appear to be a potential love interest, even if their presence in our lives as a friend could be just as essential to us. 

In the Bible, David and Jonathan were #friendshipgoals. In fact, David described Jonathan’s love as ‘more wonderful than the love of women’ (2 Samuel 1:26). Some commentators have suggested that David and Jonathan’s relationship might have been more than platonic, but again I feel this takes away from the fact that the intimacy, connection, and loyalty found in good friendship can truly surpass that found in mediocre sexual and romantic interests. 

I used to envy the girls that always got asked out, the ones that the guys never friend zoned or hesitated about when it came to pure sexual chemistry. However, getting to know those women led me to discover that they were often jealous of me! I had a band of brothers around me, men who showed me loyalty and respect, who would speak deeply with me about their hearts, and I didn’t need any form of seduction to keep them there. I was a permanent fixture in their lives, and not someone who they discarded when they felt like the sparks weren’t flying anymore. 

Secondly, whoever my future husband might be, I want him to have good female friends. I want to know that he has women in his life who he respects, cares for, and encourages, reminding them regularly that they are queens who should be treated accordingly by every man, not just those who are trying to woo them. 

I actually consider it a red flag if a man has a string of broken relationships and yet no solid female friends, and vice versa with women too. It’s because these are the females who should be able to vouch for his character and his treatment towards women. If he honours them in that way, then surely that speaks volumes as to what I can expect from him, right? 

So folks, go and find some friends! Find people who can ride or die with you in every season, without any romantic cards on the table. If you have people like that in your life, hold on to them! They are precious and live giving in so many ways. 

You’re a friend, and never just a friend.